Black American Dad Story

I never thought I would get an idea for a blog based on Drake Lyrics but here we are.

While listening to Sirius XM on my way to the gym, “Look What You’ve Done,” was playing in the background. I’m giving you background context to set the scene because it’s February.

February 7th to be exact.

I’m writing this blog months in advanced because that’s how ideas work sometimes. I’m learning to embrace it so that my ideas don’t leave me.

Let this be a reminder for you to do the same. Because sometimes we must start things months in advanced for it come together.

We may not understand the purpose in the beginning, and therefore it is a skill that requires patience and perseverance.

But we will save that for another day, back to “Black American Dad Story.”

“Boohoo, sad story, Black American Dad Story,” were the words I heard when I decided Black American Dad Story would be a great topic to write about.

The Black American Dad Story has one of three narratives:

(1) Not Present (Absent Father)

(2) Present but Not Actively Involved (Workaholic Father)

(3) Present and Involved (Hands on Father)

I’m sure there may be more but in my 33 years of experience, it’s usually one of three with the occasional combination style, of the three, depending on the situation.

Now, the Black American Dad narrative is a complex one.

This topic is also one that I will probably step on toes with as I write this blog, but that’s never stopped me before, so it won’t today.

Let me first start off my saying, WE NEED OUR BLACK FATHERS PRESENT.

I know that sometimes, a father decides from the beginning to not be present, and we’re not here to discuss those, that would be the absent father.

Let me repeat, we are not here to discuss the fathers who are fathers by birth but not fathers by title.

What I mean by that is, we are not here to discuss the man who deliberately decided to walk away from an innocent child.

We are here to discuss the fathers who are present but not actively involved.

In most cases, not all, the present but not actively involved father looks two totally difference ways.

One includes the father who is the bread winner, works often, and may not help nor actively participate in the day-to-day activities involved with raising, supporting, and caring for a child.

Another includes the father who is alive, well, and wants to be involved, but there’s conflict between he and the child’s mother.

Now, before I go too far, let me again say, WE NEED OUR BLACK FATHERS PRESENT.

That presence may look like coparenting, or it may just look a little more hands on and supportive depending on the situation.

Child support DOES NOT raise a child.

RELATIONSHIP DOES.

Father wounds trickle into various parts of life as a child grows and matures, but you know what stops those wounds from becoming a character flaw?

RELATIONSHIP DOES.

Let me also add this does not mean an abusive or manipulative relationship. Verbal abuse, Emotional abuse, and Physical abuse are all ABUSE that should not be tolerated.

I do not condone relationship, understand any circumstances, when abuse is involved.

I had the random feeling to provide that disclaimer so that there would be no confusion on what I do and do not support.

I grew up with an abusive stepfather and it is not okay.

MOVING ALONG.

A child is born into this world with a mother and a father. Despite the sin and complications of this world, it is written that way in the Bible and I’m sure God made that intentional.

Adam and Eve bared and reared children, together.

That doesn’t mean they had it all figured out, we’re all flawed people, but TOGETHER, they raised Cain and Able.

Often, parents, both mother and father, allow their personal conflicts to affect the one duty that’s designed to include them both.

Whether it’s the father just giving up because he and the mother cannot see eye to eye.

Whether it’s the mother causing so much conflict and hell that the father does not want to be around and forfeits a relationship with his child and vice versa because men cause hell too.

Whether it’s a ‘bonus’ significant other, mother, or father who allows jealousy or whatever other petty conflict to ruin the coparenting relationship.

We NEED OUR BLACK FATHERS PRESENT.

The “Black American Dad Story” is rumored to be what it is because our fathers are not as present as they should be.

No matter the reasoning or rationale, presence and relationship are the issue.

Even to the bread winner father, who wants to ensure his household never goes without, your KIDS STILL NEED YOU THERE.

“Daddy had to work”, is not truly a viable excuse that should be used to not show up and present for your children.

Not only do the items above ruin relationships between a child and their father but, the lifestyle within the United States ruins it as well.

Nobody overworks themselves like a man trying to provide for his household.

And unfortunately, society uses that to keep people overworked, underpaid, and in poverty but we’re not here to talk about that.

So, let me say this again, WE NEED OUR BLACK FATHERS PRESENT.

Can you imagine a world where children are supported and raised by both parents?

How differently would things be in stable, two parent households or even with healthy coparenting relationships?

Ultimately, the decision to bring life into this world, usually involves two people.

What a better place the world could potentially be when parents did not allow their personal issues with one another destroy what a child NEEDS.

I don’t really know how else to drive this point home, but WE NEED OUR BLACK FATHERS PRESENT.

This narrative of the “Black American Dad Story”, whether it be true or false can end when decisions are made to put the child and the child’s wellbeing first.

The decision to become a parent, should be a selfless one.

Notice, I said should be.

We’re all adults here. We know and understand very well that unprotected sex equals babies, and sometimes other things, and there are far too many broken households.

I’m not a parent, YET.

But I do understand the importance of coparenting and relationship because it is something I unfortunately grew up without.